I’ve seen sparkling copy grace my desk this year, from fabulous phraseology to hard-hitting headlines. But as a word junkie I crave the bloopers. Those grammatical gaffes, syntactic slapstick and logical lapses that stumble across my computer screen provide welcome decompression from the stress of editorial deadlines.
Hey, I’ve even caught one or two before they made their way into print.
So brace yourself for the 2010 Blooper Reel Awards for the weirdest wordcraft never to have reared its ugly head in the pages of the Press:
MOST PICTURESQUE TYPO Award
Second Runner-up: This year’s event concludes with the crowing of the new queens.
First Runner-up: The four-golfer scramble format includes Closets to the Hole.
And the award goes to: Since opening its doors in 2009, the restaurant has been wowing thongs of customers.
UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT Award
First Runner-up: Thank you for your timeless hours of help.
And the award goes to: Assisting him were scores of residents recruited as volunteers.
GOD BLOWS A GASKET Award
The Delta was further threatened by the damning of the rivers.
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS Award
First Runner-up: Citizens and non-citizens residing in cities other than Antioch …
And the award goes to: The driver lost control of his vehicle and collided with the roadway.
WE DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS Award
The nursery donated a tree and soil for 10 families, which were planted on Saturday, March 27.
GIVE US A MINUTE TO WORK THIS OUT Award
Second Runner-up: If you thought this last budget cycle was bad, this next one has no promises of being any better, if not worse.
First Runner-up: Don’t miss out on your discount by registering early.
And the award goes to: The treatment could be significant in the battle against weight loss.
YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN Award
Second Runner-up: Unique, one-of-a-kind pieces …
First Runner-up: We have maintained a safe environment and plan to do so going forward in the future.
And the award goes to: Times have changed in the last five years.
GETTING MIGHTY RESTRICTIVE Award
The facility presents a seminar for seniors on falls and how to prevent them from 5:30-7 p.m.
SURELY YOU DIDN’T MEAN THAT Award
The nonprofit organization helps disadvantage children ages 7 to 17.
TYPOS THAT ACTUALLY WORK Award
Second Runner-up: The silence was almost defining.
First Runner-up: Keeping up with items that collect into piles makes cleaning and moping a breeze.
And the award goes to: I decided to bring this rouge organization under control.
LIGHTNING-FAST POLICE WORK Award
A subject was contacted during a traffic collision on Second Street.
MOST BLATANT RACIAL PROFILING Award
A black boys BMX bike was found on the sidewalk.
NOT EASY TO VISUALIZE Award
Second Runner-up: About 700 residences came out to the concert.
First Runner-up: What has changed is today’s recession-minded economy.
And the award goes to: Reascend the moneys we have already paid.
BEST MALAPROPISM Award
Second Runner-up: As most of my equity is in my home, it’s been a disparaging month.
First Runner-up: Maybe you’re fatigued, have a headache and chock it up to too much sun or beer.
And the award goes to: To exasperate the situation …
IT’S A SQUEEZE Award
First Runner-up: Exhibit spaces (10’x10”) are available for $30.
And the award goes to: The thief entered multiple backpacks in the locker room.
MOST AMBITIOUS CLAIM Award
Learn all you need to know about being the best tennis player ever.
MOST DYNAMIC OPENING SENTENCE Award
Hello, not that all, or any of you, for that matter, want to hear from me, but …
IN A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN Award
Second Runner-up: I am not going to allow people to tell stories about what the truth is.
First Runner-up: These are criminals who want to hide behind the race card, which is tumbling down one after the other like a row of dominoes.
And the award goes to: But fear not. I did find a solution, a fix, a magic potent, the preverbal silver bullet.
MOST SOPHISTICATED HOUSEHOLD TECHNOLOGY EVER Award
While doing some of my spring cleaning, my doorbell rang.
WORST CARNIVAL ATTRACTION EVER Award
There will be a concussion stand at the event.