Some criminals show remarkable initiative (“a subject entered a vehicle in the process of being towed and stole a purse”), some show ambition (“two subjects plowed their vehicle into the entrance of a business and stole $359.30 worth of cigarettes”) and some show plain, old-fashioned stupidity (“a subject cut the lock on a hazardous waste bin and rummaged through the contents”).
Some entries beg for a backstory (“a wheelchair was recovered on Central Boulevard and returned to its owner”), some beg for divine retribution (“a subject entered an unlocked vehicle and stole a CD Bible set”) and some are simply in a league of their own (“a resident of Rubidoux Lane received a phone call from a subject who attempted to impersonate her grandson”).
So at the risk of inspiring potential lawbreakers – whether they be professional criminals or merely lousy drivers – to get their deeds documented in newsprint, we present our inaugural awards for the most inimitable infractions to grace the pages of the Brentwood Police Department’s logs.
INCOMPETENT CROOK Award
Second runner-up: At a business on Brentwood Boulevard, a subject who attempted to pass a fraudulent check fled the scene but left his driver’s license behind.
First runner-up: A subject intending to pick up an arrestee at the Brentwood Police Department jail was discovered to have an outstanding warrant for his own arrest.
And the award goes to: A driver stopped for vehicle code violations was found to be A) driving on a license suspended for DUI; B) on probation for DUI; and C) DUI.
COURTEOUS CROOK Award
Second runner-up: On Maple Street, a stolen vehicle was found where it was originally parked.
First runner-up: An unidentified person stole an unsecured bicycle and left a mountain bike in its place.
And the award goes to: A 42-year-old male stated that his laptop computer was stolen, but that the suspect gave him $30 in cash.
BOTH OARS NOT IN WATER Award
Second runner-up: An unidentified male driver was reported to not be wearing any clothes.
First runner-up: A 25-year-old woman was driving on Garin Parkway with two girls on the trunk of the car. They fell off and were injured. The driver was arrested.
And the award goes to: A subject playing with a can of body spray and a lighter accidentally set fire to another subject’s hair.
THAT’S THE LEAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS Award
Second runner-up: A resident of Balfour Road reported that two people in vehicles parked in her field were acting strange.
First runner-up: On Central Boulevard, a man challenged another man to a fight after the latter accused him of throwing chili at his apartment.
And the award goes to: A subject arrived home and found a man’s belt that didn’t belong to any of the occupants of the residence.
DUMB DRIVER Award
Second runner-up: A driver became distracted when changing his shoes, and his vehicle struck a parked car.
First runner-up: On San Jose Avenue, a driver fell from her vehicle and was run over by it.
And the award goes to: A 30-year-old male was found sleeping behind the wheel of a 2000 Ford in a drive-thru lane on Technology Way.
INGENIOUS INFRACTION Award
Second runner-up: On Birch Street, an 11-year-old boy took a package of cookies from a teacher while she was diverted.
First runner-up: An unidentified person set fire to a water valve in a parking lot on Lone Tree Way.
And the award goes to: An unidentified person assumed the identity of a resident of Astor Court to cancel a vacation booked at a travel agency.
IMPRESSIVE INFRACTION Award
Second runner-up: An unidentified person stole 140,000 gallons of water from a vacant home.
First runner-up: A subject stopped for vehicle code violations was found to be driving under the influence of alcohol, on a suspended license and felony probation, and in possession of marijuana, ecstasy and counterfeit bills.
And the award goes to: A vehicle had been left in a barn on Sand Creek Road for several years. When the owner went to get the vehicle, he found the vehicle – and the barn – gone.
BACKSTORY REQUESTED Award
Second runner-up: On Brentwood Boulevard, a subject was injured when a vehicle fell on top of him.
First runner-up: An unidentified neighbor was reported to have yelled obscenities at a 37-year-old male every time he visited his mother’s residence.
And the award goes to: A woman being transported to Sutter Delta Medical Center for treatment was carrying too many items for the ambulance to hold.
MOUNTAIN OUT OF MOLEHILL Award
Second runner-up: On Mills Drive in Brentwood, two subjects were involved in a domestic disturbance over beans.
First runner-up: On Lone Tree Way in Brentwood, a subject struck another subject with a brick after an argument over a food order.
And the award goes to: On Timberline Trail, a subject was slapped by two female juveniles who accused him of throwing items at their cat.
WEIRD LOOT Award
Second runner-up: An unidentified person entered a locked residence on Winged Foot Road and stole a toilet.
First runner-up: On Tradition Way, while a realtor was showing property, an unidentified person stole seven Harley shirts and a bamboo plant.
And the award goes to: An unidentified person removed a cement donkey from a front yard on Trent Place.
WEIRD WEAPON Award
Second runner-up: In an argument over a hedge, a 43-year-old female struck a 72-year-old male with an electric hedge trimmer. The male struck her with a cane.
First runner-up: A subject threw a painting at another subject during a fight.
And the award goes to: A 45-year-old female reported that her ex-boyfriend came to her residence on Eastwood Court and struck her with a flower.
BETTER WATCH YOUR STEP Award
Second runner-up: On Orchard Avenue, a 74-year-old female placed a 50-year-old female under citizen’s arrest for playing loud music.
First runner-up: On O’Hara Avenue at Neroly Road, a subject made annoying comments. He was booked at police headquarters and released on a Promise To Appear.
And the award goes to: At a business on Oak Street, a subject made “unusual statements” to an employee regarding the regional manager.
GOING THE DISTANCE Award
A vehicle pulling a vehicle containing hazardous materials struck two curbs, a stop sign, continued through two parking lots and struck a third vehicle.
TWO HEADS AREN’T BETTER THAN ONE Award
Two subjects, one of whom was controlling a vehicle’s pedals and the other the steering wheel, struck the rear of a vehicle parked on Second Street.
GIVE US A MINUTE TO WORK THIS OUT Award
An unidentified person falsely reported that she was a victim of a crime that never occurred.
And finally, the IN A LEAGUE OF ITS OWN Award
A subject reported that 17 vehicles followed him from Oakland to Brentwood. He believes he is under surveillance.