The same is true for words. The grammatical gaffes, syntactic slapstick and logical lapses that stumble across my computer screen provide welcome decompression from the stress of editorial deadlines.
Hey, I’ve even caught one or two before they made their way into print.
So brace yourself for the 2011 Blooper Reel Awards for the weirdest wordcraft never to have reared its ugly head in the pages of the Press:
MOST PICTURESQUE TYPO Award
Third Runner-up: His sandwiches have an Italian flare.
Second Runner-up: The group is hosing the free Cesar Chavez State Holiday Concert.
First Runner-up: The preacher served in the Perspiration Church for 11 years.
And the award goes to: Strippers swim upstream to the Sacramento River to spawn.
TYPOS THAT ACTUALLY WORK Award
Third Runner-up: The event attracted a large caste of volunteers.
Second Runner-up: Music was provided by four signing groups.
First Runner-up: Singing sensation Carol Peters will be staring in a free concert.
And the award goes to: He proposed to her last Eater Sunday at a huge family picnic.
FERDINAND MAGELLAN MEMORIAL Award
The team clashed with squads from as far east as Missouri, Maryland, Long Island and Hawaii.
YOU DON’T SAY! Award
Third Runner-up: The juvenile ran away from home without permission.
Second Runner-up: Positions are open until filled.
First Runner-up: The shoplifter stole property from the business without paying.
And the award goes to: The driver rear-ended another vehicle, abandoned his vehicle and fled on foot without leaving contact information.
YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN Award
Second Runner-up: He felt the team underperformed and could have done better.
First Runner-up: He has headlined shows internationally in 12 countries.
And the award goes to: She didn’t miss a beat when she said, without hesitation, …
WHAT I MEANT TO SAY Award
Third Runner-up: Video from King’s infamous “I Have a Dream” speech was shown.
Second Runner-up: They boarded up broken windows to prevent rain and other unwanted looters from entering.
First Runner-up: Rich melodies and dynamic visuals are part of the interminable tradition.
And the award goes to: The parade was an unforgivable experience.
TEEMING WITH INFORMATION Award
Gift cards were stolen from an unknown location and used at an undetermined location.
SOUNDS WORSE THAN IT IS Award
My store was always getting shoplifted in front of us.
BACK TO THE FUTURE Award
We are well beyond the days when everything was paid for in cash; it’s time to move into the 20th century.
Second Runner-up: Two responsible females stole shoes from the business.
First Runner-up: A driver unsafely backed into a pole.
And the award goes to: She was determined to have two outstanding warrants for her arrest.
REVISIONIST HISTORY Award
The event commemorated the fall of Bataan at Humphrey’s on the Delta in Antioch.
ROUGH NEIGHBORHOOD Award
A picnic benefit will be held to support Wounded Women at Crockett Park at noon.
GIVE US A MINUTE TO WORK THIS OUT Award
Second Runner-up: He is currently enjoying his post-retirement life.
First Runner-up: Success is the combination of being prepared when opportunities present themselves.
And the award goes to: You can’t help but not want to take part.
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS Award
He worked as a corporate operations officer from 2004-10, and a retired truck driver for 30 years before that.
WE DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS Award
She buried two husbands in the course of her life.
IN A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN Award
Second Runner-up: Eleven out of ten coaches will tell you that pitching is king.
First Runner-up: “We just took the love out of our hearts and threw it up on paper.”
And the award goes to: “Maryland is a beautiful and well developed state in the American continent offering a wide number of carpet-cleaning service providers.”
WORST DEPLOYMENT CONCEPT EVER Award
The greeting cards will be sent to troops stationed overseas in packages.
And finally, the UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT Award
Third Runner-up: Their brand-new building, which opened in 2005, …
Second Runner-up: Estimated loss: $432.49.
First Runner-up: The driver broadsided a pole.
And the award goes to: “We’ll have a moment of silence for John Doe, who has passed away.”
(The moment of silence is observed.)
“That being said …”